Divorce.... When is it time to call it quits?

When someone is being physically or mentally harmed because of a marriage.

Of course there are different exceptions. But for the most part I think that marriages can be saved.

I probably sound like an idealist, huh?

Well I can tell you, I haven't thought this always. I have seen pains beyond pains of loved ones, very close to me that have lived on the edge of divorce for years. Longer than I've been alive. I have wished for them to just end it. End everything so they could be happy. The happiest I have ever seen them was when they were separated. So why did they still keep trying?

Let me tell you something that I've come to realize.

Just because they were the happiest I ever saw them while they were apart, doesn't mean that's the happiest they could ever be.

I know that bad things happen to good people. And bad things can tear good people apart. But when you've known such pain and how passionate they can be with their emotions, think of how much more it would mean when they can honestly say I LOVE YOU after years of YOU HAVE HURT ME BADLY.

It's hard. It's hard to look someone in they eyes who has hurt you, and hurt you bad and say. I forgive you. Harder even to mean it. But once you can honestly say that. Honestly mean it. And honestly put your trust back in that person.

Powerful things happen.

I know it for a fact. I've done it. Not with someone who I was about to divorce. But someone nearly equally as close.

I've seen the change forgiveness can facilitate. I have become a different person. And the person I forgave has completely changed in my eyes, and in his own. You grow and become a new person when you can allow honest -no secret compartments of harsh feelings left inside you- forgiveness to be apart of your life.

Divorce is a cop out. And 70% of people who have gone through a divorce say two years later that they realized they could have and should have saved their marriage.

Really. Divorce is too easy. The things that come hard are the things that can give us the most joy. They are the things we come to cherish most.

Don't be part of that 70%.
Never give up unless abuse is present.


 

Spare the Rod - Spoil the Child

False.

There is no such thing as loving a child too much.

SO where do spoiled children come from? From the families who don't teach their children discipline.

Did I just contradict myself?

Not at all.

Punishment = emotional reaction to fix behavior that has embarrassed, shamed, or against the values of the person performing the punishment.

Discipline =  genuine concern to teach useful life skills and self discipline that will allow a child to actively participate in society.

So how do you make sure your child is disciplined but not punished? I ask the same question. I found 5 strategies to work from. I know they aren't my first reactions, but they are something I want to start working toward to use when I have children.... someday :]

1. Substitution or Redirection [especially good for babies]
2. I messages [ I see that you are jumping on the table! I feel scared that you might get hurt because I don't want you to get hurt. Will you please get down]
3. Contingency sentences - When you get your shoes on, then we can go outside. [Note that it's not an IF/then sentence, but a WHEN/then sentence. When will help you completely avoid power struggles with your child.]
4. Always give your child choices. [I understand you don't like to do homework. It is really tough. But would you rather me help you with math or English first.]
5. Consequences: a] Natural Consequences will happen no matter what an adult does. If you go out into the rain, you will get wet. b] Logical Consequences are things adults put in order to avoid harmful consequences. [ie if you keep running into the street, you are going to have to hold my hand every time we go out side. instead of letting a car eventually kill the child.]

I think the best way to keep an open relationship with your child is to respect them. And if you are disciplining them in ways they don't understand, make sense, and extremely after the fact.

I mean, imagine if you paid your water bill a day late, so 2 months later your electricity was turned off to teach you a lesson. You would feel like you've been done wrong.

So does a child.

They don't always know how to express their feelings.... but they do have the same exact feelings as you do.

Five P's

            In a world where single mothers are empowered, children are encouraged to seek advice from peers or the internet, and media screams that marriage and children will hold a man down, it is nearly impossible to pin point the actual role of a father. Fatherhood has become such an elusive term that many people, men and women alike, have come to discount the extremely important fundamentals that only a father can give to his children. In the Family Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints stated that a father’s essential roles in the family are to provide, preside, and to protect. I would also add that a father is a preparer and a playmate. Together these five P’s represent one of the most precious gifts that can only come from a father.

            A father is a playmate to his children. When a father becomes a human jungle gym for his children he does more than wear out his back. As fathers are more likely to engage in this type of play than mothers, they are able to give their children the necessary play they need to increase muscle and coordination development. Behaviorally, this play dynamic is usually the first place where a child will learn how interact with others by taking turns and by understanding where the limits of going too far are with their rough housing. By being a constructive playmate, a father can very early help his children develop healthy in growth and behavior.

            Fathers help prepare their children to be able to stand on their own two feet physically and spiritually. Fathers set the example of how to be responsible, hard working, and being honest. These attributes are highly commendable in adults. Children who aspire to be like their fathers in these areas will do well as adults. Spiritually, fathers prepare their children for the Celestial Kingdom through the priesthood. It is the father’s role to give a child a baby blessing, perform their baptism and give them the gift of the Holy Ghost, take them to the temple starting at age 12, ordain their sons to the offices of the priesthood, as well as be a witness at the sealing for marriage. With constant care, encouragement, and actions a father “leads [his] family to the temple” and ultimately prepares them to return to their Father in heaven.

            While a father prepares their children for the world, they also protect them from it. As a protector, it is a father’s duty to be “guardians of virtue. Virtuous behavior implies that you have pure thoughts and clean actions”. If a father lives a life of virtue it will affect the entire family. By not allowing the influences of the world into his home he is protecting children from them. When a father stands up for what he believes in with all the integrity of his heart he protects his children not only from what is bad in this world, but also from creating a mistrusting relationship with that which is good. By protecting what is good, sacred, and dear to his heart he distills a form of respect for these things in his children’s eyes.

            It might be cliché to say that a man is the breadwinner of the family, but it is important to know that a father is responsible to provide for his family. Physically, it is the father’s job to make sure his children (and wife) have the basic necessities. However a father can provide so much more than food, clothes, and shelter to his family. I am extremely grateful for all the hard work that my dad has done to provide for my family, but the one thing he provided for me that I cherish most is his love and testimony for the church. My father has had his fair share of hardships, but the one thing he has always succeeded in is providing for his family.  

            The definition of preside is “to hold the position of authority”. The authority a father holds is the priesthood. Though this authority it is the father’s responsibility to lead his family in love and righteousness. This doesn’t mean that they are the head honcho or the family dictator, but rather the person who guides his family to do that which is right. He should have a close relationship with his children’s mother so that the children know that while their father presides, their parents are a team. Father’s would do their family a huge service to take responsibility to make sure everything is structured and ordered.

Decisions.

Have you ever had to make a decision?

Hard.

What if you wanted the Orange instead of the Purple? You'll never know! It's challenging!

Have you ever had to make a decision, with someone else?

Even harder.

He wanted Orange. I wanted Purple! What do we do?! How to decide?

I know what you're thinking... COMPROMISE!

We can include both ideas by mixing orange and purple and get a great brownasty color! Every time we would both look at this brownasty object we will always look back and remember how amazing it was for him not listening of why purple, and her insensitivity of orange. It'll be a great conversational topic with our friends where we will have to relive this brownasty event with some awkward story of how we are both definitely not satisfied with it, but compromise orange and purple mixed was the best bet. It may look like ugly, but this brownasty is our way of settling differences. It really is the best way. We both got what we wanted and mushed it together to create... Brownasty. And hey, who needs a pretty home if you can combine your lives like we can?

Can you see the ridiculousness of a compromise! Sure its an easy fix. But in marriage.... if you are constantly shaving off a part of what you want for something that you aren't excited or happy about... can you ever say you're happy.

Compromise forfeits the right answer.
          - Quote from some amazing kid from my class whose identity has left me. 

In marriage, there is always a right answer for HIM, a right answer for HER, and a right answer for THEM. A compromise is HIS right answer and HER right answer mashed together creating HIMHER. Which means nothing to anyone. If you put those aside and realize that there is the THEM answer avaliable, then you can come to a decision together that means much more to both than HIMHER.

Now realize that HIS answer, HER answer, and THEM answer may not be 3 different options. Sometimes HIS orange would really actually would look better with the rest of the room... or maybe HER purple may not be manly, but is the better choice. And even sometimes if HIS is blue and HER yellow together make a really pretty green  for THEM. The difference between the really pretty green and the brownasty being that you came to the decisions together. You had a growing process together to come to a right answer for the both of you. Rather than competing in a power struggle between the two of you, you've made a decision to work together to become a single power against the world.

And that could be the best decision you ever made.

Coping Cop Outs

Take my .extremely.professional. quiz and find out what Coping-Cop-Out you identify the most with!

1. You have forgotten to complete your share for an apartment clean check for three consecutive weeks now and a roommate confronts you about it. Do you...

       A. Say that you know you haven't done this weeks, but it is extremely rude and completely untrue that you haven't done a clean check in three weeks.

       B. Acknowledge that they brought up an extremely valid point, but you were just leaving to take a test and promise to talk about it later with them when you have more time.

       C. Explain to them that you not completing your clean check is not your fault because your teachers have really been pounding you

2. Your mom called you while you're away to college last night to inform you that your favorite cat was accidentally ran over by the next door neighbor's car. Your response would be....

      A. Don't believe her because your next door neighbor is an extremely cautious driver, and would never run over a cat.

      B. Respond in a casual fashion then change the topic thinking that you will deal with it when you're home next break.

      C. Proceed to complain about your next door neighbor and how they are such a terrible person for running over your beloved cat for the next couple of weeks.

3. You lost your job unexpectedly six weeks for Christmas. Your reaction would be..

      A. Buy Christmas presents anyways because this wont effect you.

      B. Avoid Christmas parties and get togethers because you don't want to have to explain to people that you couldn't bring a present because you didn't want to admit quite yet that you lost your job.

     C. You call everyone you know to tell them about how your co-worker got you fired.

4. One day you come home from shopping to find the fire department outside your house finishing putting out a fire. The inside of your house is entirely scorched. Someone informs you that the cause of the fire was an electrical problem that you've been asking your husband to fix for weeks. Your first thought is to...

     A. Try to wake yourself up from this nightmare because something like this would never happen to you in real life.

     B. Go over to a friend's house and talk about the weather until it is absolutely the latest you can stay away from your house.

     C. Call up your husband and tell him off because if he had listened to you three weeks ago, this never would have happened!

5. Your sister comes to you in private and informs you that she and her husband are about to file for divorce. Your response would be...

     A. You and your husband? Never! You guys work so well together! I don't believe it's come to this!

     B. You tell her you sympathize for her, and you will help her in anyway you can, but you can't really get in the middle of this because don't want to become the middle man in a divorce.

     C. You begin to ask questions about how he screwed up the marriage. You know he always did seem like the divorce-ish type, it was only a matter of time that he was going to mess things up.


If you answered mostly A. Then you are a Deny-er. The best way for you to not deal with a problem is to deny it real. If the problem isn't there, then there is nothing to worry about.

If you answered mostly B. Then you are an Avoid-er. The best way for you to not deal with problems is to just avoid them. If you aren't there to deal with the problem, then you'll never have to solve it.

If you answered mostly C. Then you are a Blame-er. The best way for you to not deal with problems is to blame all your problems on some other cause. If it's someone else who is responsible for all your problems then you don't have to worry about solving them- they do.





  Moral of the story is: Cop outs will get you no where. They prolong, deepen, and magnify a simple conflict. If you take responsibility in the beginning and decide to take charge, it will be easier and faster to move on with your life.

Harder to do.

But better in the long run.

Easy as 1, 2, 3

The Birds and the Bees.

Why do they even say the birds and the bees? I mean.... birds and bees aren't exactly compatible. Hold on I'm going to try and Google it....

SO.

The all powerful Wikipedia says that possible origins are some poem from 1640 or some other poem from 1825, or the song that's the opening song from "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_birds_and_the_bees)

BUT ANYWAYS. What to say about this topic. Welllllllll.... hmmm. Lets start with. How did you find out about... everything? School? Friends? Sex Ed? Parents? Now think about this... Would you want your 7 year old to find out the same way you did? Yes-- Then how will you replicated it? No-- then how will you prevent it?

There's so much in this world that if you don't make your kids become one of those weird deprived home school kids... they're going to learn something at an age that you're not prepared for. The best advice I've heard about teaching your kids about this is to make sure they know what they need to know that is appropriate for their age. However,  be prepared for unconventional questions. Children are naturally curious about everything, if they know they can ask you anything on any subject they will come to you about the things they've heard at school. Allow them to ask awkward or inappropriate questions and instead of saying, "DONT YOU DARE ASK WHY AUNT MARY IS FAT EVER AGAIN!" You can say something like, "That question is a bit harsh, Is "why does Aunt Mary have weight problems" what you meant to ask? This way they know they can ask any question, but you can teach them how to be polite and educated about talking about people that are different from them. It builds a trust relationship and they know they'll get answers that make sense. If not, they'll still be curious, and they'll still get answers.

Physical intimacy is a good and sacred thing, and if anything our children need to realize that it is a good thing in the right time. Dating. Marriage. Physical intimacy. 1,2,3. That is the best path to follow for divorce protection, and for happiness. Where nothing lasts we need to stress that a family can be forever.


P.S.
I feel like this class should have been divided in two. One day with just the married students, and one day with just the single students. :]

Oh No! I Married One of Those!

I was excited for the honeymoon! I mean! We went to Hawaii! But no one told me that when we got home he would sleep through his alarm clock every morning. OR that he would make us late everyday. Doesn't he know that Early is on time, on time is late, and late is rude? I like to be early and he likes to be.... not so early. When I got married, I didn't realize I married one of THOSE people.

Ok, none of that actually happened to me after I got married. He's actually the one that likes to be early, definitely not me. AND we went to Disneyland.. not Hawaii. But similar things did happen to us, like when I was expected to help drive even though I grew up with only my Dad would drive... that was weird. But think about it, when you grow up in a family you get used to things being a certain way and its hard not to get annoyed when things aren't done just so. But the first thing to realize however, is that he's going through the same thing. It's a process, combining lives is. You guys both come from backgrounds with good ideas of how to get the same task done in different ways. You just have to find which one's will be best for the both of you. But the most important part of everything is to talk about the expectations you guys have. If you saw your dad do something your whole life and defined that as "that means he loves mom", but then when your husband doesn't do it, you might begin to wonder if loves you. Don't worry, he does. He just shows it differently. Talking about your differences in expectations, and defining your boundaries is the BIGGEST divorce insurance you could ever invest in. Don't expect someone to read your mind, because they can't quite do that until you've been married for like a hundred years. And even then, you will probably have to still talk because you have so much memory loss. :]


So you may have married one of THOSE. But its not a reason to freak out, its a way to grow together in compromise.